From Raising Topsy-Turvy Kids with some additional comments interspersed:
So why is it so important to understand the preferred learning style of your children? It’s about
effective communication. It’s about reaching forward to meet these topsy-turvy kids on their
terms, on their level, in their playing field. At least until they’ve learned the skills to play
successfully in yours. It’s about giving all children a chance to succeed in the classroom, to find
their place utilizing their strongest talents and gifts and to use those strengths to facilitate their
learning and enjoy their future careers.
Let me share a childhood experience with you about effective communication. My grandparents
were both deaf, but capable of remarkably clear speech and the ability to read lips. They
communicated so well that neither knew sign language. My grandmother had been taught to
speak with great inflection and those who met her initially did not know that she was deaf. I would
go on errands with her and she would be able to carry on small talk with the store clerk, librarian,
etc. The conversation would continue until, inevitably, the clerk would turn her face away and my
grandmother would no longer be able to see, or read, the clerk’s lips. Being Grandma’s Little
Helper, I would pipe up with, “Oh, my grandma’s deaf.” Nearly every time the clerk’s response
was, “PAPER OR PLASTIC?” They would actually yell at my deaf grandmother! The only form of
communication they knew, whether it was effective or not, was to raise their voice, to continue
speaking to her, even with their heads turned away. The only form of communication they knew
was not effective in reaching my grandmother.
If your children are VSLs and you aren’t communicating with them in the manner in which they
learn best, by using pictures, by helping them to create permanent images in their mind of what
they are learning or of what you are asking of them, then you aren’t getting through. Your
communication attempts are doomed to fail. If they can’t see what it is you want from them,
whether it’s tying their shoes, caring for the family pet or straightening their rooms, you are likely
to be disappointed with the results. If there is no picture created in their mind of the math facts
they must memorize or the historical dates they are to remember, they will struggle to succeed.
You haven’t given them the right tool for the job and you aren’t communicating the way they think
and learn. In order for topsy-turvy children to succeed, whether at school or at home, we, as their
parents and first teachers, simply must find ways to effectively communicate with them.
Do you have any idea how many different mental pictures can be created from the request,
"Please feed the cat"? Ok, food and water? A day's worth? Two days worth? Or what about,"
Please mow the lawn"? (My personal pet peeve -- who knew there were so many definitions
around mowing a lawn?!) Front, back, side or what combination? Bagging or mulching? 1/2 inch
or 3/4?
With young children, I often recommend creating and using actual pictures of what you’d like
done. Chore charts should feature illustrations, clip art from the computer or pictures from
magazines of what the clean room, full cat food dish, brushed teeth--whatever the chore is--
should actually look like when completed. Remember to use color and humor in your
communications. With school-age children, ask them to repeat back to you what they believe you
have asked of them. Not in a demeaning way, by any means, but as a way to confirm that your
request is understood and a picture of the task at hand is accurately formed. Without the picture
in mind, they are not likely to get the job done. However, with an agreed-upon image of the
chore, these children stand a better chance of success.
Maintaining Harmony at Home
There’s no doubt about it, life with topsy-turvy kids--particularly if you are an auditory-sequential
parent--can be challenging. They have no sense of time, so you’re generally late getting out the
door. Their organizational skills are lacking, or at best questionable, so you feel as though you
are living in a giant collection of STUFF all of the time. They tend to become easily distracted, so
chores and homework assignments are often not completed according to a teacher’s or parent’s
time schedule, which can result in significant tension. So, how do you maintain harmony?
Housekeeping--it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure
How effectively are you communicating with your child? Imagine it’s time for the weekly (monthly?)
Clean-Your-Bedroom-Or-Else Ritual. Do you typically rattle off a list of do-this, do-that chores
then leave the room believing that your “picture” of a clean living space will somehow manifest
itself out of the reigning chaos? And, that it will do so within a prescribed timeframe? Now think
about your success rate with this approach. (Not great, I’m guessing!) Next time, try this: work
with your child to create a poster or chart of pictures (e.g., drawings you create together, clip art
from the computer, photographs or clippings from magazines, etc.) of what the end product, the
Never-Been-Seen-Since-We-Moved-In-Bedroom, should look like when the job is finished. The
pictures might include one of a nicely made bed with all the stuffed animals aligned. Another
picture could show folded clothes neatly tucked into drawers that are still within the dresser, while
another picture might show matching shoes lined up nicely on the floor of the closet. Yet another
image of similar toys gathered carefully into tubs … Ok, you get the picture. Now help them get
the picture.
What do you want to bet that her picture of get ready for your soccer game didn’t match Dad’s
picture?
Getting them out the door–with their shoes!
Auditory-Sequential Visual-Spatial
Learner Learner
Getting a visual-spatial child out the door can be a daily challenge. There are so many distracting
and more entertaining options available. One technique that works, at least some of the time, is
to create a mental picture of the consequences of not getting to your destination on time. For
example, suppose you are running late to an afternoon sports practice. You could create the
following picture for your child: “If we are late for your practice, that will upset the coach and
possibly interrupt the start of the practice for all the other kids who arrived on time. How do think
your coach will feel? How will the other kids feel?” If they can envision the experience and
understand the consequences of not arriving on time, you may actually stand a chance of getting
out the door--and, possibly even with their shoes! I have actually had one of my children (who
shall remain unnamed) arrive at our not-so-close-to-home destination and ask, “Where are my
shoes?” to which I replied, “ON YOUR FEET, right?” They weren’t and we wound up searching for
the nearest Target store!
Assure your children that whatever they were longing to do instead of getting in the car will be
there for them when they return. Visualizing what will happen, or not happen, as a result of their
action, or inaction, is often a successful way to get results. Also, effective although militaristic
sounding, are one word commands: “Shoes-Car-Please” convey all the instructions they need.
Not much decoding is required!
One parent wrote me with a great idea for helping her son to get ready on time, every morning.
They sat down together and agreed on the chores that needed to be completed, and in what
order. Then, they color-coded those chores: Blue (1) Eat breakfast, Red (2) Get dressed, Yellow
(3) Brush teeth, and so on. Each morning, she would hand her son his set of cards, each with
Velcro tabs, which he would take with him to each task and stick them to the dresser, mirror, etc.,
wherever the chore had taken place. He quickly learned the morning routine and was able to
complete the chores, without distraction, in time for them to leave for school each day.
Oil and water? Visual-spatials and auditory-sequentials under one roof
You know your spouse isn't visual-spatial when... You have to wait for him by the salad bar,
because he wouldn't be able to find his way back to the table by himself.
It is possible, although unlikely, that your topsy-turvy children are unique in your family, that they
did not inherit their learning style from either parent; or perhaps they have a visual-spatial parent
who learned to repress a preferred learning style in order to cope with auditory-sequential
classrooms; or perhaps your topsy-turvy children were adopted. If you are not a visual-spatial
learner and your children are, you must try to “see” from their perspective.
If you are an auditory-sequential learner and your children are visual-spatial learners, you will
have to learn, likely through trial and error, the most effective ways to maintain harmony in your
home.
Auditory-sequential adults often see visual-spatial children as impulsive in their reactions. Anger
or frustration can seem to overtake them in an instant and cause them to behave like Hyde--
Jekyll’s dark side. Because they are less capable of foreseeing the consequences of their actions
and reactions and are unlikely to predict that a sequence of events will lead to a particular
outcome, (like being grounded for hitting their brother) they may respond to various
predicaments, in inappropriate ways. For example, not too long ago Matt discovered several
choice foul words with which to pepper his vocabulary. (This was not long after his return to
traditional school after several years homeschooling. Hmm.) Because he is incapable of
predicting the responses his father and I will have to these utterances, he is blurting them out in
our presence, during moments of extreme frustration.
An auditory-sequential child might still season his words but probably only among his friends,
when there is little risk of repercussion. An auditory-sequential child would be able to envision the
consequences of his behavior and create alternative responses to his frustration in front of his
parents. Matt, however, has little or no means with which to calm himself, gain some control and
manage his anger. Instead, he has added a parent’s fury to the fire and now must contend with a
whole host of issues unrelated to his initial frustration. The challenge for me and my husband, as
his parents, is to not react to the expression of Matt’s anger, but get to the root of the frustration:
what is it that caused the violent outburst, the foul language, the physical aggression or the lack
of control in the first place. We’ll deal with the actual words used later! (In our home,
disagreeable vocabulary is tolerated to a point, so long as it is not used to hurt someone. They
are, after all, just words.)
After the incident, I’ll ask my son if he was so frustrated he couldn’t think of a more acceptable
utterance and we sometimes wind up laughing over a Thesaurus! We also have a punishment in
place known as the “fine jar,” or, as I prefer, Mom’s Scrapbook Fund. An over-the-top blowup or
meltdown results in a 25 cent fine. This goes for adults and children alike. I believe my husband
may, in fact, be the largest contributor to date!
Another technique I’ve discovered to halt the negative responses coming from an extremely
frustrated child is to get out the camera. Sounds terrible, I know! Who wants to photograph for
posterity your darling child ready to hurl something at his sibling or strike a blow at him, right? But
it works! The moment they realize they are about to be the subject of a scrapbook page (one of
my favorite hobbies), the action stops. It takes awhile to cool down and be able to laugh at what
Mom almost caught on camera but it can turn even the ugliest of arguments into play. You can
actually feel the mood of the room change as the frustration dissipates and the camera hams
emerge in all their silliness and goofy smiles.
Your children’s first teacher: You!
As the first teacher for your children and, likely, the first person to notice any specific learning
style they may prefer, you have the unique ability to fully understand what makes them tick. You
will not be able to alter this about them; it is fundamental to who they are. But you can help them
learn to use their visual-spatial abilities to their advantage, as a strength to be called upon. In
addition to teaching your children to honor one another for unique characteristics and abilities,
you can teach your children to respect and honor their own gifts and value traits that are their
own.
All parents want their children to succeed, in school and beyond. By understanding and
honoring, not trying to change or “correct,” how your children respond to their environment, how
they think and learn best, you can help make success a reality for them. Become your children’s
best advocate--nobody knows them better! Advocate for them by educating their teachers about
their learning style. Seek out the best educational environment for your children; don’t just rely
on the easiest or conventional route. What is “best” for your neighbor, may be inappropriate for
your child. If this approach is insufficient, consider afterschooling them (enriching what they are
learning in the classroom with visual activities at home designed to increase their comprehension
and retention); homeschooling them; finding a tutor or private school; or whatever else it takes.
Help them find academic success using the gifts they were born with rather than try to make them
fit where they don’t belong. Square pegs never fit well in round holes.